Boundaries for a Healthy Relationship 2

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Robert

How do you set boundaries? (part 2 of 2)

Boundaries are set by learning to say NO. If you don’t know how to say NO you need to practice. The word ‘NO’ allows you to respect yourself, and for others to respect you. Practice with a friend you trust, let them know you want to learn how to say NO. Take a half an hour and do this for several days. After a couple of days try this in public. Desensitize yourself by saying NO to EVERYTHING they ask you to do. If you don’t feel comfortable with this, see a coach/therapist. If you are in a relationship and you trust your relationship and want to grow your relationship, then both of you can work on this with a coach/therapist. Learning to overcome low self-esteem and boundary issues can be one of the most useful lessons in your life.

Questions about what boundaries are important to you

Write down the boundaries that you would like to have.

What are you not willing to accept in a relationship? This will help you define your boundaries.

What is it that you say yes to, when you want to be saying no to?

What do you want to say no to right now but can’t get the words out?

Take a look at your relationship pattern, what is it that you want to change?

Communicate with your partner

These are your boundaries; you need to communicate them to your relationship. You may not be able to communicate your boundaries off a list. The most important thing in a relationship is trust and respect. Constraints help you establish those. If you are iffy on some of your constraints, talk to your relationship about those. But when something comes up and it feels uncomfortable you need to speak up, learn to trust your gut. Tell your relationship that something is not working for you. Call a time out and let them know. We all have things in our past that were uncomfortable with, and if those buttons are being pushed we need to expose them and STOP. Boundaries force you to be accountable and take responsibility for your own happiness, or your misery.

Don’t set your partner up to fail

On the other hand don’t set-up your date by getting drunk or stoned. If they are drunk, then it is time to leave. Ask yourself if you are willing to compromise yourself. Alcohol and drugs can cloud any one’s behavior. Don’t put yourself in that position until you have built trust and respect.

Don’t be scared of having constraints. Boundaries help you from being a pushover. Knowing your limits helps you have a happier life. If you are scared of being alone, remember the healthier you are, the easier it is to attract people who care about you and who you can trust. When you begin to identify, “the wrong” type of people, it becomes easier to identify the “right type” of people.

Meet the “right type” of people

If you decide that you want to meet the “right type” of people, then you need to go where you can meet them. This may include workshops, where people are working on themselves. Join organizations where you can be active in meeting others. Check out MeetUp groups that offer the kind of activities you like to do. If you are not meeting the “right type” of people you need to change your hangouts. Start making new friends. If you are considering online dating, be leery of cheap online dating sites. Generally the more you pay, the higher the quality of people.

Live by your boundaries

The important thing is that you need to have personal guideline so that if something happens you know what to do; you need to ensure that you enforce boundaries because that is the true test of them – that you live by them. It’s incredibly empowering and what you’ll find surprising is that saying no or opting out of situations that cross your boundaries, actually feels good.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_boundaries.html

http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/01/relationship-deal-breakers-non-negotiable-boundaries.html

http://www.sexaddictionscounseling.com/do-you-have-healthy-boundaries-in-your-relationship-take-the-quiz/

Boundaries in Dating Relationships

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Robert

You should know by the end of the first date or two if your date is going to respect your boundaries. If they don’t, don’t waste your time or heartache on them. There are others that are healthy, wanting to meet you.

Boundaries are required for all relationships (part 1 of 2)

Restrictions are necessary for all relationships, this includes friends, family, colleagues, and lovers. Your boundaries teach others how to treat you. If others don’t respect your boundaries, it is best to drop those individuals as friends.

Boundary issues show up for both sexes. Poor boundaries are a common result of low self-esteem. As a result, there is a lack of respect for others and one’s self. Restrictions are learned in childhood and carries over into adulthood. Those with low self-esteem may be aware of their condition, but don’t know how to change.

Poor boundaries show up all too often in relationships with the opposite sex. Abuse is a major cause of low self-esteem. And while child abuse is a major concern; for this blog, I’ll be focusing on boundary issues in dating relationships.

Be aware of your boundaries

We may enter a relationship with good boundaries, however as we progress in the relationship we begin to lose our restrictions. This may be self-inflected as we’re afraid that if we don’t give up some of our control that we will lose our relationship. Or one partner may be more dominate than the other, and we begin to give away our boundaries. This can be very subtle, because it is ourselves that is giving away our boundaries. If our partner crosses our boundary, that may not be subtle at all. Both partners may be instantly aware that a boundary has been crossed. Or the partner may not be aware that they have crossed one of your boundaries. You have the responsibility in letting them know.

Don’t enter a relationship until you feel comfortable knowing what your boundaries are and how to enforce your boundaries. Boundaries are your warning signs, it is a warning that you may want to proceed with caution or end a relationship. Proceed with caution, if you can’t or haven’t expressed your boundaries to your relationship, they may not know that they have crossed a line, you need to take a timeout and talk with your partner. As you progress through a relationship you’ll find that some of your boundaries will change depending on how much you trust your relationship. This becomes very apparent in the sexual side of a relationship. Only you can decide if this is acceptable, don’t be coerced into something that you don’t want.

Pay attention to your boundaries.

Paying attention to your boundaries, alerts you to inappropriate or unacceptable behavior. Knowing your boundaries allows you to make a judgment, and act upon it. It is never acceptable to do something you don’t want to do or don’t feel safe doing.

http://www.parable.com/i.Boundaries-in-Dating-How-Healthy-Choices-Grow-Healthy-Relati.9780310200345

http://www.allisonvesterfelt.com/physical-boundaries-in-dating/

http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships

Finding a relationship

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Robert

A relationship is impacted by online dating and social media

Recently I wrote a blog on how online dating has impacted dating. One conclusion was that because so much can be found out about people online and in social media we get a false sense of what we are not looking for. We’ve become very shallow; when we look at a person’s picture we make a snap judgment, and move on to the next person. Another thing that happens is we meet a nice guy or gal, nothing outstanding, nothing bad, someone our mothers would really like. He/she doesn’t spark anything, but they could make a really good friend. Later on in life we learn that our relationship should be our best friend.

Are you ready for a relationship?

You have to prepare, to meet your relationship. That means you need to become the “Right” person yourself. Finding the right person, is not going to change you into a better person than you already are. Learn how to be interesting, kind, caring, and unselfish. Work hard at changing your character defects. Become better-rounded. Get counseling if you need to learn to be assertive or how to share your feelings. No one, no matter how right is going to make you happy. You will only be happy in your new relationship if you are happy inside first.

Accept yourself for who you are, if you haven’t done so, now is the time to start exercising. Wear clothes that flatter you. Some people like others with a little meat on their bones, but no one wants a slob. In a relationship you want to be proud of your mate’s appearance, not embarrassed. A personal coach can help restyle/update your image.

Do you know what you are looking for?

Know what you are looking for in a relationship. In healthy relationships look for: common values and similar culture, the ability to forgive and be forgiven, the ability to be challenged and confronted without defensiveness, common goals, including children.

Ask yourself, why do I want this relationship? Where do you want to be in ten years? Being honest now may save heartache in the future.

Have you learned from your past relationships?

All of us have made mistakes in the past. Let those go. Learn from past relationships, what works and hasn’t worked. If needed, a little professional help (workshops or counseling) can help redirect misconceptions.

Talk to your family and friends about the kind of relationship you want. Who better knows you and the things you need? Ask for tips on the type of people they think you need, listen to what they have to say.

Where to look for relationship of similar interest.

Look to meet people in places where you would expect to find someone with the qualities you value. Check out community classes. If you like art, check out museums, if you want someone who cares, look into volunteering. Attend music festivals featuring the type of music you like. Most cities have coed teams in a variety of sports. Check out MeetUp groups, you should be able to find a group that has similar interests as you. If you want to meet professionals you need to join an organization geared to professionals.

If you are going to try online dating, be very aware for your safety. Read the internet for scams with online dating. Check the internet and find out what are “red flags.” The internet has all kinds of dating and relationship tips. Be aware of these, learn to trust your gut, if someone makes you uncomfortable, leave, that’s a red flag and not worth compromising your safety.

What you will find in your search.

Your search will result in finding a human being, not someone perfect. No one is going to be everything you dreamed of. The purpose of dating is to get to know someone, to see if you want additional dates. Relax a little and don’t be too picky. Look beyond physical attractiveness. You don’t want a slob any more than she/he does, but they don’t have to be a model or hunk either.

Be patient. It may take some time to discover what appeals to you and why. I saw one study that says that women will kiss 22 men before finding a mate. You will make some friends, and even break a heart or two. You may get hurt. Keep at it. There are plenty of good people out there. You simply need to be persistent it is a numbers game.

Dating Tips – AskMen

Dating Advice for Women – DatingAdvice.com

Dating Advice – Best Dating Tips and Advice for Women – Marie Claire

How online dating and social media has changed dating.

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Robert

A recent discussion in a LinkedIn group, talks about: “How online dating ruined dating . . . forever.”

I wanted to write a blog about the impact of online dating on our attitudes, after reading this author posting I thought they did an excellent job of getting across the point.

At first I thought this was just a comment from someone with sour grapes with online dating, however after reading the posting, and additional comments, it does reflect other comments I hear about social media and online dating. I do think there is a big difference between online dating and social media. And while there is a difference, in several ways they are very similar.

Has online dating changed your attitude?

The comment goes that there was a woman who from online dating “got lots of email, all the time, from potential dates. The effect wasn’t all that great for her, though she didn’t know it. For one thing, her attitude became horrible. She became very full of herself and mean to people. She started treating people with a more “they’re disposable” attitude (not just those online). Since she was getting all this attention, she didn’t really bother with finding “good guys” or even “good matches”. She got all caught up in who made the best first impression, who’d spend the most on dates (cause evidently that meant she’d have more fun), and frankly, who she could use this weekend for something to do. She ended up dating lots of players looking to use her too and basically her dating life was this constant game of who could use the other better. I think in the end, she ended up getting hurt a few times by thinking this guy or that one was ‘for real’. I did wonder though how many ‘real guys’ she just completely blew off in the process and how many she hurt with her games. The whole thing just completely turned me off online dating… as a guy I just don’t see the point in being one of the 20 guys that email a girl today… its not that I don’t like the competition, I just know what the competition does to ‘her’ and want no part of that prize.”

This was posted in “Dating & Relationship Tips Group Members group-digests@linkedin.com,” the author of the comment was identified as “cm606.”

Are you an online dating nitpicker?

The author of the overall posting JP Mangalinda also states: “Even worse, online dating services enable a downright Seinfeld-ian level of superficial nitpickiness. Don’t like the fact one guy’s hair is thinning? Next. Think a girl could stand to lose a few pounds? Next. Hate that so-called “beauty mark” on their cheek? Next, next, next! Why? . . . And because of that, we’re more likely to shop around and make snap judgments about the people we’re dating.”

Dating Advice

Dating Tips – AskMen

Dating Advice for Women – DatingAdvice.com

Dating Advice – Best Dating Tips and Advice for Women – Marie Claire

Stop Dating A Narcissist

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Robert

Do you know how to spot a narcissist?

Many of us may never have been exposed to a narcissist especially in a relationship. Once the behavior is pointed out we do recognize the behavior. Fifteen years ago I dated a woman who was a narcissist and even with a degree in psychology didn’t recognize it. I had probably been exposed to men who were narcissistic but sub-consciously decided that I didn’t want to know someone so self-centered. I probably avoided narcissistic women for the same reason. Narcissism is a psychological disorder.

Definition of a Narcissist

Merriam-Webster defines Narcissism as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration. This is a broad definition, you have to pay a bit more attention when the individual is not so blatant.

Tips on how to recognize a narcissist

Tip 1 – A narcissist can be either male or female, they appear charming and exciting when you first meet them. They can cleverly be cloaked as “nice guy/girl.” They feel like your true soul connection. It’s easy to lose your heart once you become emotionally or sexually involved. Soon it’s all about them and not you. You see that their actions and words don’t match. “It’s so hard because in the beginning I can’t tell if they’re being true or fake…”

Tip 2 – When you express your needs, a narcissist get defensive. They put their needs first. They don’t care about what matters to you. “We dated 6 months and everything we did was what he wanted. He always told me what to do in regards to MY house. And told me to lose weight for him. He was nice one day and blew me off the next.”

Tip 3 – When your needs arise they cannot handle your emotions, they avoid supporting you. They give you mixed signals. One day they are great, the next day they are pulling away, acting aloof.

Tip 4 – Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don’t follow through with their actions. Even with all their promises to change, they cannot change, this is a psychological disorder.

Tip 5 – When a narcissist feels hurt they often move into rage, he/she will rage at you to deflect responsibility for their actions.

Tip 6 – A narcissist gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. If you talk to them about commitment they feel like you are trying to control them. They don’t leave any way to talk about being exclusive in an open way. Remember you have a choice for the type of relationship you want. You need to be equals.

Tip 7 – Learn how to spot a narcissist from the beginning and stop dating them right away. Avoid the heartbreak and disappointment. A good relationship is built on mutual support. Get out of the relationship before you get hooked. “He never changed, talked of only his needs and life never took time to listen to me.”

Tip 8 – A healthy relationship is where both parties feel safe and can express their needs without judgment. If they can’t do that, you need to get out of the relationship. “Relationships are partnerships, they are not supposed to be one sided, at least not the kind of relationship I want.”

Keep your dating options open and you’ll begin to attract healthier relationships.

Summary – You cannot change a narcissist.

They are very clever at turning things around and making you the offender. They can be very charming one moment and raging the next. When they are angry you cannot talk with them. Remember this is a psychological disorder.

Our limited time Spe cial, rolls back the price to our 1999 levels. Visit the Contact page to request a profile and sign up for the service.

Additional information on how the program works can be found in our “FAQ: Frequently Ask Questions Page.”

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The Denver Post – Rocky Mountain News – Colorado Home & Lifestyle – WB2 News
“Best Singles Dining Club”
As Seen in Westword’s Best of . . . starting in 1998!

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The new rules for dating are not really all that new.

Posted on March 8, 2013 by Robert

Are you back in the dating game?

Are you ready to start dating and are there new rules? “Newly singleds” find dating after divorce sucks — plain and simple. Yes many rules have changed, and if you are going on-line you need to proceed with caution.

Dating is different than it used to be, especially if you have been off the “market” for the last seven to 10 years.

What are the dating options?

Options include dating services, single clubs, professional organizations, volunteer groups, friends, and some MeetUp groups are ok. This group appears to be more grounded than dating on-line. If you don’t know your date, be safe, coffee or drinks are a good start. Meet your date at the venue, have a friend you can check in with. Keep the first date open so you can leave or if you are making a connection extend the date. Don’t give out your address or personal information if you feel uncomfortable, learn to trust your gut, error on the side of caution.

Are there new red flags in dating?

Watch for red flags - I will cover red flags in another blog – a red flag is something that you don’t feel right about or is out of the norm.

Can I ask a guy out?

If you are interested in a guy, go for it. Yes, ask him out. Some women still refuse to do this, but it’s the post-millennium.

Who pays for the date?

Don’t just assume he’s paying. Most women expect the man to pay for the first date especially if he has asked you out. You can offer the to split the bill – many women will consider it a red flag if he suggests you pay your portion and will not consider a second date. As dating moves into the second or third date, it’s acceptable and often expected that you’ll be going dutch.

What subjects are taboo?

It’s not normal to bring up sex on the first date. Trust your gut on what you want to do. You may want to make it clear that you are not easy.

Don’t bring up your ex or kids other than a quick reference. Don’t get caught whining about the your ex.

Ditch the “I want more babies” talk. If you love being a mom, it’s easy to lapse into endless conversation about them and gush about wanting more. But a first or second date is just too soon.

What should I be aware of when I first start dating again?

Don’t limit dating to the weekend. These days, people are more open to meeting up whenever.

No texting, emails, facebook messages until after the second date. The under twenty-five group will be into social media, that’s what they are growing up with.

If politics and religion could be a deal breaker – bring it up. Don’t try to make something work that could be a deal breaker and why waste time?

An Affordable dating option to meet single professionals.

Right now, membership is even more affordable. Our limited time Spe cial, rolls back the price to our 1999 levels. Visit the Contact page to request a profile and sign up for the service.

Additional information on how the program works can be found in our “FAQ: Frequently Ask Questions Page.”

Dinner for Six accepts all Major Credit Cards

Dinner for Six In The News

The Denver Post – Rocky Mountain News – Colorado Home & Lifestyle – WB2 News
“Best Singles Dining Club”
As Seen in Westword’s Best of . . . starting in 1998!

Relationship, are you ready for a serious relationship?

Posted on March 2, 2013 by Robert

Are you ready for a serious relationship?

At some point, you begin to wonder if you are ready for a serious long lasting relationship. You been dating for a while, and you’ve dated several different people, some only made it to the first date, a couple of them to 4 or 5 dates and a few made several months or longer. Some at first felt like a “soul mate,” but the infatuation period ended and so did the soul mate thing. Somewhere in here you thought you were in a relationship, but something was missing and it just didn’t feel like one of you was “committed.”

Are you being more picky before you get into a relationship?

Are you looking for a different “type” of person, someone who was maybe not your “type” in the past? Are you waiting longer to get intimate? Do you find yourself checking out their values and seeing how compatible they are with yours?

Do you find that even if the sex is great, that your interest is not as high when there is no possibility for a long-term relationship? (This seems to be more tricky for men than for women.) If you’ve been single and dating for awhile, do you get a gut feeling that something is missing? You have doubts about relationships lasting but don’t know why?

Do you feel like you are ready to make a relationship work?

Several relationships at first felt right, but for whatever reason they just didn’t last. Maybe it was: age, or school, a job, or simply you didn’t know what you were getting into. Maybe it was you or your partner wasn’t ready, or you overlooked red flags, or you have your own red flags. It really doesn’t matter why it didn’t work out in the past unless you are “repeating” the same type of relationships. Hopefully you have learned about yourself and your needs.

Have you decided that you are willing to try and change whatever has gotten in the way of being in a committed relationship? Have you picked up a few self-help books or even gone to some workshops or seen a coach?

Being committed to someone starts with being committed to yourself.

If you are questioning your current relationship, talk to your partner (maybe your relationship can be saved), see a couple’s therapist.

If you are answering yes to these questions, you are ready for a serious relationship. Now comes the hard part, how to make that happen.

Moving on

It’s much harder to find relationship minded partners at cheap or free single services. Generally when you spend to join a service you know that others have made the commitment to spend their money to invest the time and effort to find like mind partners.

It’s also time to get into some workshops, and it may be time to work with a coach/therapist. With my background, I prefer group workshops with lots of interaction with the opposite sex.

The first thing every therapist is going to ask you is “are you ok with yourself, and would you date yourself?”

While you are looking around at services and workshops here are a few links that might help you with dating in general.

Dating Advice